A note to my readers -- An open letter to my vagina -- My only one-night stand -- I am an introvert -- On being new money -- An introduction to my stuffed animals -- Dad -- Excerpt from my journal in 1994 (age thirteen) with footnotes from 2016 -- Officially a woman -- Camp Anchor -- How I lost my virginity -- Things you don't know about me -- Can't knock the hustle -- Excerpt from my journal in 1999 (age eighteen) with footnotes from 2016 -- Faked it 'til I maked it -- Excerpt from my journal in 2001 (age twenty) with footnotes from 2016 -- Beautiful and strong -- Excerpt from my journal in 2003 (age twenty-two) with footnotes from 2016 -- How to become a stand-up comedian -- Times it's okay for a man not to make a woman come during sex -- The worst night of my life -- Things that make me insanely furious -- Athletes and musicians -- Letter to the editor -- Secret bad habits -- Mom -- NYC apartments -- Blackouts and stem cells -- An exciting time for women in Hollywood -- Mayci and Jillian -- Things that make me happy -- The sun will come out tomorrow -- What I want people to say at my funeral -- Rider for the funeral of Amy Schumer -- Forgiving my lower back tattoo.

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